I ate a croissant. I said yesterday that I wasn’t going to cheat on this diet anymore because I’m down to crunch time, but I couldn’t fucking help myself and I ate a croissant. And because it was the most buttery, flakey thing I have had in what seems like eons, I ate another one.
It’s like why? Why do I have to go on a “hahaha, you suck, so here’s some vegetables and a shitty tasting protein shake and let’s call it a day” diet? Oh yeah, because I want to lose weight. And not waste all the effect I have put into this weight loss surgery thing. But then working at a grocery store makes it hard. Honestly, I could just take some of my hard earned cash, run – who am I kidding? walk – two aisles over and buy an entire box of ring dings and finish them before I would even get to the checkout. (But I would buy the store brand version because I am greatly opposed to spending four dollars on snacks.) But what makes it worse is that I work in a food pantry.
At the store, I would have to spend money to eat junk. I don’t like spending money. At the food pantry, I literally sit next to three shelves filled with food that I could take and eat right in this very minute and not have to spend a dime on. And it is almost impossible to stop myself. I ate two croissants today. Tuesday, I took a box of cake mix home and made brownies out of it. I told myself, “Oh, it’s just for your family. You won’t have any.” Lies. All lies. I had one. And to be completely honest, I would have had three. If it wasn’t for the fact that the box mix was expired and it made them taste off. (And I used too much flour to flour the pan. But I don’t like to put blame on myself.)
But back to those croissants. (If I could actually go back to those croissants, I would soooooo eat like four more. But luckily there was only two.) I hate myself after I cheat. I was so proud of how good I’ve been doing. Then I cheat. And with the worse food. And I feel like cheating once gives me a pass in mind to cheat all damn day. But I continue to do it. It makes me hate myself. Not like depression, mental illness, hate myself but like “FUCKING CHRIST HALEY. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER” hate myself.
And do you know what else? I hate/love/hate/love the fact that even though I am cheating (like A LOT) I still am losing weight?! What the fuck? It’s a good thing, don’t get me wrong, but still it’s like warranting the horrible person in my mind to keep cheating even though I SHOULDN’T BE.
God, I can’t wait for the next two weeks to be over.
Put the Burger Down. 